Guiness Book of Shit Records: Manchester! What the hell is wrong with you?

Posted on by Sam Bail

“Where there is much light, the shadow is deep” (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)

I’m constantly trying hard to see the good things about Manchester – yes, it’s got a lively and lovely arts & culture scene, a university that’s world famous for its research, some amazing bands, two fairly good football teams (not taking sides here) and, uhm, the Manchester Egg.

Lately, however, it seems that Manchester is trying really hard to make me think of it as a filthy soggy snot rag that is nothing but appalling: we’re currently on an impressive winning streak, breaking the country’s shittiest and least desirable records. Reading through my daily feed of “Inside the M60″, I came across these gems:

  • Much to everyone’s surprise, Chorlton received the “Newcomer of the Year” award for being the nation’s “Burglary Capital”.
  • Greater Manchester health organisations have received the highest number of written complaints in the last 12 years, earning themselves the prestigious “Mr Motivator” award.
  • Young people in Manchester proudly carry the “Nasties of the Year” award for having one of the highest rates of STIs in the country (Ugh. Remind me to wear rubber gloves on the bus.)
  • The city has the 6th highest rate of car accidents involving children in the country. No jokes about that one. The whole North West seems to be full of mad drivers, with Preston, Liverpool and Blackpool being in the top 4 on the list.
  • A “Stoner of the Year” special mention goes to Greater Manchester for having the 2nd highest number of cannabis farms in the UK – unfortunately we lost that one to North Yorkshire.

And what’s the best solution for all these problems? Oh yes, spending cuts for Greater Manchester Police. Manchester’s future is all rainbows and sparkly unicorns! Whoop!

Honestly, I’m certainly not disenchanted by these news, and I’m in no position to blame anyone – shit happens everywhere. But at the moment Manchester seems to attract it like a freaking Swiffer cloth! People of Manchester, please enlighten me: what the hell is going wrong here? Or is it just my feed reader?

* That was an accident. I mean “YOU. YOU MANCUNIANS.” But you know what… who am I kidding. I’ve been mancunianized, I just can’t help it.